by Liesel Teversham, EFT Cert-1
The Background
Margaret (name changed) had been for 2 EFT sessions already. We had worked on some control issues with her mother and in this session, she described that great progress had occurred in the meantime.
Today, she wanted to tap on some issues with her ex-husband’s current girlfriend. Beryl (name changed) has had a huge influence on Margaret’s life for the past 14 years. She has the same controlling, manipulative way about her as Margaret’s mom. She described it as “much worse” because Beryl is ruthless, whereas her mom does it out of not knowing how to do it any better. Her saying this in the first place was great progress in the light of our previous EFT sessions! She says Beryl is evil and mentioned that a psychic had told her that there’s an evil presence over her children.
The background to Beryl is that Margaret suspects her ex-husband had an affair with Beryl while they were still married. He denies it. Beryl also shares a birthday with Margaret and there had been some times when Noah (the ex-husband) was invited to Beryl’s party/circle of friends, so there had been a lot of unhappiness surrounding Beryl.
Beryl feels like a threat to Margaret. She tries to control the children, making them call her ‘Mother’, she tries to worm her way into their lives, and there’s been many instances where Beryl tried to exert her influence/authority over Margaret, in the bringing up/discipline of Margaret’s children. Margaret and Noah have joint custody, so there are many opportunities for conflict to arise.
Margaret also mentioned that Beryl tries her best to draw Margaret into an argument, or tries to get Margaret to acknowledge her, while Margaret refuses to acknowledge her presence. She tries to ignore Beryl as best she can, and she knows the feelings brewing underneath can’t be good for her.
The Work
Right from the start, I realized that Margaret needed to talk about all these situations. While she continued to talk, she was “tuned in” well and I decided to just tap on Margaret while she was describing a few situations. I asked her permission first. To make it easier and not interrupt the flow, I decided to tap on her finger points.
Then she clearly remembered an incident that was very traumatic for her, and she described it in great detail while I tapped on all her points (face and body as well). After a couple of minutes, I asked her whether resentment comes up – and it turned out to be a very strong feeling. It started at an 8.
So we tapped:
Even though I resent Beryl…
Even though I resent how she tries to control me, the children and Leo…
Even though I resent how she brings her evil influence into our lives…
Even though I resent her manipulative, sneaky way of worming herself into our lives..
Even though I resent her, everything she stands for…
The resentment was still very big, but it did come down to a 6.
We repeated another couple of rounds of more or less the same…
Even though I resent Beryl and what she brings into our lives…
Even though I resent the way she tries to control us, just like my mother…
Even though I resent the way she manipulates, just like my mother does…
Even though she’s evil and I don’t want that influence in my life and my children’s lives…
Even though I resent the way she always has to be the center of attention…
Even though I resent the way she makes a big drama of things, just like my mother…
The resentment came down to a 3.
I started seeing a lot of similarity between the buttons that were pressed for Margaret by her mom, and by Beryl. I asked whether we could do a little experiment.
While we were still tapping, I asked her to say:
I sometimes control people….
I sometimes manipulate people…
I am sometimes ruthless…
At each one, I asked whether it brings up an emotional charge. While still tapping, she did not feel any charge, but I asked her to give me an example of each of these, when she’s been controlling, manipulative or ruthless.
At the end of this round, the resentment was at about a 2.
I asked whether we could use the incident mentioned earlier, where she and Beryl were literally involved in a ‘tug of war’ over a physical object. It did not seem that this still had a big charge, so I asked her for another incident. She recalled one after a few minutes and I could see by her body language that this event was still highly charged.
I asked her to make a movie of it, how long it would last, and what the title would be.
The movie title was: “L.’s Tantrum and the Police” (L is her daughter, who was 11 at the time).
To bring down the intensity gently, we tapped 2 rounds 1st on
Even though I have this movie “L’s Tantrum and the Police”, and it’s at a 10…..
I asked her then to tell me the story. She slowly told me a very traumatic incident where Beryl and her little girl of 11 were involved. At each emotional point, we stopped and tapped out that feeling. First, it was irritation with L who did not listen to her (L tried to control Margaret).
Even though I felt very irritated with L…
Even though I still feel irritated with L because she tried to control me…
We continued and then she came to a place where she felt VERY anxious, because she knew what came next.
Even though I feel extremely anxious…
Even though I’m anxious because I know what comes next…
Even though I have huge anxiety and tightness in my stomach and chest…
Even though I’m incredibly anxious because I know what happens next…
We had to tap a number of rounds to get it down to a 2. Margaret felt comfortable enough to continue… and next came a very scary part for her.
Even though I felt so scared…
Even though I’ve never felt so scared before…
Even though I was feeling so afraid…
Margaret could barely talk at this point, so we whispered the words but continued tapping.
Even though I didn’t know what would happen to me…
Even though this was completely blown out of proportion…
I had a sense that it was important to keep Margaret feeling safe, so we ended many set-up statements with
Even though… it all worked out ok in the end
…that was then and this is now
… we all got through this whole thing fine
… we’re all safe now.
Eventually she felt ok to continue. She completed the story and felt ok. I asked her to retell, and at the ‘scary’ point of earlier, there was still a very small amount of ‘scared’. I asked her what it reminds her of – and she said when they were small and broke something they’d be in BIG trouble, and this felt like being in trouble. So we tapped …
Even though I was in such big trouble…
Even though this is the biggest trouble I’ve ever been in…
Even though I felt like I was just a little girl and I’m in big, big trouble…
Even though it was so scary to be in trouble…
And it went down to 0.
After this round, Margaret was able to re-tell the movie without any charge at all. I stopped her often, wanting to know at every previous point what the emotions were. She kept saying with surprise there’s nothing at all. This was a tremendously big collapse – from a 10 to a 0.
My Insights
This session occurred almost 4 years ago. If I did this session today, I would most likely ask more probing questions like “What does your mother’s controlling of you remind you of?” I now have the sense that there are some really important childhood events around being controlled, that we had not worked on during her sessions.
Margaret really detests being controlled, especially by her Mother, and also by this girlfriend we tapped for. I might also have asked her to complete sentences like “I hate it when she controls me because…” I know now (after 4 years’ experience) how powerful those questions are. The “Writing on her Walls” might have been something like “because I’m weak if they do that…” or something similar and that would have been a useful belief to collapse.
At the end of the session, Margaret was very excited about the changes and the progress. She went home feeling light and happy. I asked her to watch out for changes and pointed out that sometimes they’re subtle and we can miss them if we don’t look for them. She’s a very “aware” client and I still see her often. She continued to find little benefits to do with her Mother (the subject of the 2 previous EFT sessions) and she enthusiastically recommends EFT to her own coaching clients.
Gratefully,
Liesel Teversham, EFT Cert-1
www.eftacademysa.co.za
liesel@eftacademysa.co.za
