Dear EFT Community,
Do you find yourself attached to an unhealthy relationship? In this EFT article, Psychotherapist, Patzia Gonzalez, shares how persistence and focused tapping helps her client let go of a toxic relationship and finally bring healing and new insights as to why she chose the relationship.
By Patzia Gonzalez, R.P.
My client, “Yolanda” contacted me on Skype to tell me that she had been trying for 5 years to free herself emotionally from an issue. Despite all her EFT work on herself, she still wasn’t at peace with her issue around rejection and a failed relationship. She was unable to “let it go.”
Yolanda shared how she had been living with “Pedro” while hoping they would some day get married. They had been together for 7 years, but 2 years after they started living together, she found out he was also seeing another woman. During the 5 years since the affair, Pedro and Yolanda lived together for half of the week, and the other half he lived with the other woman. Yolanda kept hoping he would eventually choose her over the other woman. She was sure that Pedro was the love of her life and they were destined to be together.
Then Pedro told her he was going to marry the other woman and stopped seeing her, thus leaving her “devastated.”
Yolanda had been tapping on her feelings of betrayal, abandonment and grief, without much success. She wanted to be done with her negative emotions and recover her confidence and joy. Mostly she was OK during the day, but felt miserable at night.
During our session, it was difficult to get Yolanda to focus on ONE event, and only one. She kept jumping from one thing to another, so I asked about her worst memory to help her focus.
It was the day Pedro told her he was leaving and getting married to another woman. Pedro had asked her to drive him to the airport, and invited her to have some coffee after he had checked in at the airline counter. Yolanda knew he wanted to say something important to her, and she hoped that he would propose marriage. Instead, he told her he was leaving, marrying the other woman and would not be seeing her again.
I asked Yolanda to check her breathing, and she was not really breathing at all (a 2 on a SUD Level of Intensity scale of 10). So we started by working with her constricted breath. We did several rounds until finally she was breathing at a SUD Level of 9.5! It was very hard to keep her focused on this one traumatic event. I asked her to give this event a title, and she called it “The Airport Betrayal,” and she was at a SUD level of 10.
Even though I have this Airport Betrayal movie, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I have these remaining emotions over the airport betrayal, I deeply and completely accept myself.
We tapped on this until her SUD Level came down to a 1. She then said she felt sad, and her sadness was at a SUD Level of 10 out of 10; and she still wanted him back even if he said he wanted to marry the other woman.
Even though I have this sadness, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though Pedro said he wanted to marry that other woman and I still want him back, I deeply and completely accept myself.
We did a couple of tapping rounds alternating between:
Pedro said he wanted to marry that other woman.
I want him back.
We then tapped:
Even though I was hoping he would propose and he said goodbye, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though his voice was unsteady, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I’m sure she bewitched him, because he loves me, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Yolanda discovered that underneath the sadness she had a layer of anger at herself because she had believed in him and he had fooled her.
Even though I have this anger, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I am angry at myself because I believed in Pedro, I forgive myself for my part in this, I deeply and completely accept myself. (I decided to leave the forgiveness for him for a little later in the session).
Yolanda said she felt guilty for letting Pedro go. She had tried being “so good” so he would want to be with her, and it had not been enough. I asked if she had any physical sensations as she said that, and she had a lump in her throat that felt like a burning coal, and it was a ten.
Even though I have this lump in my throat, I deeply and completely accept myself.
We did three sets of the complete recipe on the lump in her throat, complete with the 9 gamut till it finally disappeared.
Yolanda was feeling calmer but there was a lot more work to be done. We had come to the end of our session. She had hoped for a one minute miracle or even a one session miracle and was somewhat disappointed that that hadn’t happened. She said she kept “obsessing, and cannot separate from him & feelings of abandonment.” We worked on this event for four more sessions.
Some of the EFT tapping setup phrases we used:
Even though I need him to feel good about myself, I deeply and completely accept myself and choose to feel good even without him.
Even though I resist the idea that he left me because I want him back and can’t live without him, I deeply and completely accept myself and choose to feel good even without him.
Even though Pedro doesn’t know what he’s missing and I want to stay stuck in feeling miserable so he’ll repent and come back, I deeply and completely accept myself and choose to feel good even without him.
Even though he’s the love of my life and I refuse to let him go, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I would rather keep sharing him than losing him, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Yolanda had a hard time with this one. She said she never wanted to “share” him, but had gone along with it so that he would come to the realization that she was the ONE.
Even though I never wanted to share him, but I did, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I shared him in the hopes he would realize I was the one, and he chose otherwise, I deeply and completely accept myself.
In the fifth session, we were finally able to go over the “Airport Farewell” movie step by step as there were many aspects: driving to the airport, the coffee shop, his tone of voice, the look in his eyes, the shock of hearing he opted for the other woman, his saying he hoped they would remain friends.
When we went through the whole “movie” and there was no remaining intensity, Yolanda looked at me and said: “You know, my mother never had a happy relationship with a man; I guess I learned I couldn’t either, I am just like her. That’s why I put up with this situation, but I can love my mother and have a happy co-committed relationship. Now I know what to keep working on.”
I am always amazed at the insights that pop up when the energy constriction has been released. Yolanda was willing to persevere for more than one session, and finally arrived at a core issue. She has been working with me on this as she wants to solve the relationship with her mother so she can have a happy and satisfactory relationship with a man.
As you can see by this EFT story, relationships can be heaven – or hell. They can take us to the most sublime and happy states, or trap us in endless cycles of misery. Dawson Church has been dedicated for many years to helping people shift their relationships to create warm and deep emotional intimacy. As a scientific researcher, he’s investigated which techniques really work to truly make love flourish. These tools, like mindfulness, EFT tapping, and heart coherence, are surprisingly quick and easy to learn, yet produce profound relationship shifts. In his relationship workshop series, Tapping Deep Intimacy, he’s explains how our hormones and biology drive our behavior, and actually sabotage long-term relationships despite our best intentions. He then guides you into creating deep and lasting change. If you’re ready for a radically different experience, and a whole new relationship future, check out Tapping Deep Intimacy.