Dear EFT Community,
EFT practitioner, Rob Nelson, discusses how he utilized EFT to help a woman release her anger at her husband at his declaration of wanting a divorce. The anger dissipates quickly, but Rob continues to work with the client to address possible future relationship issues.
By Rob Nelson
“Mary” came to me a few weeks after her husband had suddenly declared their marriage over, and moved out.
She hadn’t seen this coming, even though he’d become increasingly distant over the last year or so.
Now, she’d discovered he’d been having an affair with a younger woman.
On the phone, Mary had told me she was afraid she’d never be able to trust another man, and that was why she was coming to see me.
Over the years I’ve been lucky enough to work with a number of clients struggling with painful break ups.
I say “lucky” because there is a moment in one’s life where tremendous growth can occur, and EFT has come through every time. Even though the pain and distress are overwhelming at first, the recovery process is usually swift, exciting and very satisfying.
When Mary showed up, she was awash in painful emotions, and declared herself a “17” on our SUD Intensity number scale of 10.
Anger and betrayal were top of her list, but cleared right away with fairly straightforward tapping:
“Even though I have this anger, I deeply and completely accept myself."
“Even though he lied to me, and made it seem all my fault, I deeply and completely accept myself."
“Even though I didn’t see it coming, I deeply and completely accept myself."
Once this anger was mostly discharged, a much deeper layer of hurt was exposed. This came as a surprise to Mary. She’d been using her anger to keep the focus on her ex and away from these more difficult feelings.
As we tapped on “this hurt” it became clear how much these feelings were tied to feeling inadequate, unlovable and always to blame. They extended into her past, far beyond the divorce trauma.
We spent the rest of this first session tapping away these hurt feelings and by the end Mary was actually laughing. She felt vastly better, and even though she was mystified as to how it had happened, she really didn’t care.
It would have been tempting to stop right there, and call it good, but in my experience there are two more important layers to deal with. Mary was happy to come back for “round two.”
When Mary returned she was still feeling much better, but although she was no longer drowning in raw emotion, she still couldn’t get her mind off of the circumstances leading up to her break-up, and especially her ex (the last person on earth she wanted to be thinking about). Addressing this kind of compulsive thinking is the next step.
Luckily, because these thoughts are recurring and relentless, it doesn’t take much detective work to find them. In Mary’s case, she was stuck on all the ways her husband had blamed her for his infidelity.
We tapped on:
“Even though he blames me and that’s totally unfair, I deeply and completely accept myself."
“Even though part of me is worried that I wasn’t good enough in bed, I deeply and completely accept myself."
“Even though he chose a much younger woman to boost his ego, because he’s afraid of getting older, he had the nerve to put it all on me, I deeply and completely accept myself."
Some folks have a lot of these obsessive thoughts, and it can take an EFT tapping session or two to clear them. They often seem linked to long-held relationship patterns. I believe this is one of the great opportunities of the divorce recovery—it sets the stage for replacing these old patterns and emotional baggage with fresh insights. This can be very exciting!
As the weight of the past is released, our focus tends to shift to the future. After all of that pain and trauma, starting over can be a terrifying prospect, so here is our “round three.”
I’ve noticed that many clients want to swear off all relationships forever.
Our tapping will focus on “my past is not my future.”
“Even though I NEVER want to go through that again, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
“Even though I’ve made a solemn vow to protect myself, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
“Even though (my ex) got in under my radar, and I must not be a very good judge of character and how can I trust myself to choose wisely next time, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
On one hand, some clients feel so desperately lonely they will “rebound,” replacing their ex with all possible speed. This was Mary’s situation. She’d reconnected with an old high school flame just before we began working together. As she became stronger, more centred and self-assured, Mary saw that her new beau was very needy and taking up way too much of her time and energy. That was okay at first, when Mary was just as needy herself and wanted distraction.
Now it was another problem to tap about.
“Even though “Jim” is taking up all of my time and energy and I really deserve and want better for myself, I’m afraid of being alone. But I choose to love and accept myself anyway, and I forgive myself rushing into this relationship.”
“Even though I may have to let him go and be on my own for a while, I am stronger now and know I can handle it, as I deeply and completely accept myself.”
In just a few weeks, Mary was able to transform the agony of her divorce into new strength, freedom and excitement to live a much happier life. This is the magic of EFT tapping for divorce recovery.