By Nancy Morris
So many men and women contact me looking for help in the sexual arena wondering if EFT will be able to help. The answer is a resounding "YES... and this article will help you to figure out how to apply EFT to get results for you. No matter how old you are, if your sex life has never been what you'd like it to be, there is hope.
First, you must discover the barrier(s) between you and the pleasure you long for. Once these blocks have been identified, EFT can be applied to clear past incidents and beliefs that are holding you back. The visual image I like is this: Picture yourself in the center of a barren field looking toward a beautiful lush green meadow and desperately wanting to go there, but there is a long fence in the way stretching across your path. Once you identify what the fence is made of (your beliefs and experiences) and you have the right tool (EFT) and use it correctly, you can get where you desire to go.
Maybe you've had a sense for a long time of wanting something different for yourself, but you feel unsure about putting too much emphasis on sex as a problem. Maybe you felt that if you could just do things the RIGHT WAY; this kind of thinking puts pressure on you and makes enjoyable sex practically impossible. Pressure is the enemy of pleasure.
With apologies to LGBT, I've used the him/her format in my writing. With apologies to men looking for help, since I am a woman I've written the examples from a woman's point of view, but all the steps are relevant to either gender looking for a better sex life.
Also remember, you need not have a lover to have a love life. The saying goes that it is easier to find a job when you already have a job. I believe our love lives work the same way... it is easier to find a happy love life if you already have one with yourself.
My Personal Pleasure Procedure is similar to the Personal Peace Procedure but focused on Pleasure. Here's the tutorial on the Personal Peace Procedure.
THE PERSONAL PLEASURE PROCEDURE
Note: Don't try to do all these steps at one time; take your time with each.
Step One: Write up a personal Sexual History
Give yourself time and allow the questions to percolate and provide deep answers.
• How important was religion in your family?
• How did these religious beliefs affect you as a child?
• How do they affect you even now?
• What messages did you get from your parents' words and behaviors?
• What about your sex history would you change if you could?
• Are there any incidents of a sexual/romantic nature that were emotionally painful?
• Are there any incidents of a sexual/romantic nature that were physically painful?
Write down the answers to these questions and using the Personal Peace Procedure tap away old wounds and blocks to pleasure in your life today.
Step Two: Focus on your body
Take a visual tour of your naked body in front of a full-length mirror noting the parts that you like and dislike.
Next, using lotion or oil, massage every part of your body keeping your attention on the physical feelings in each area. Notice where it feels especially good. If your mind wanders, use EFT to bring your attention back to the physical sensations. Notice where you like a gentle touch. Where you like a firmer touch. Vary your touching: fast then slow, soft then firm, use your palm, then your fingers, then your fingertips only, try your fingernails. Explore. Experiment.
Notice if any areas feel uncomfortable or numb when you touch there. At the conclusion, take notice of the emotional tone you felt while you were doing this. Did you enjoy doing this? If not, why not? Did you feel embarrassed? Self-indulgent? Shame? Anything else you felt?
Step Three: Relationship Issues
If you are in a relationship, what resentments do you have toward your partner? Even the best relationships have problems; sometimes harsh words are said and remembered. Note any and all resentments; don't restrict yourself just to those of a sexual nature. Write down any specific incidents that still hold charge for you.
Step Four: Knowing what you want
Take time to really think about this... what would you really like your sensual/ romantic/ sexual relationship to look like? If you are currently single, this step is very valuable in preparing yourself to be ready for a relationship.
Would you like more affection and cuddling without the expectation of sex? Would you like less/more of something specific? More talking? Oral sex? Ask yourself honestly: If I could have it any way I wanted it, how would I like my sex life to look and feel? Be specific, for example: "I'd like lovemaking to start slowly, outside of the bedroom, keeping our clothes on for a long time while we talk and kiss, etc. .... Then I'd like to be on top, with the lights turned low, I'd like to do all the moving and have my partner touch my breasts and nipples but still not move under me. You get the idea --- be VERY specific about where, when, how long, in which way, etc.
If you had trouble answering the above question, it will be invaluable for you to explore your own body, your own genitals, your own sexual responses to touch, and your sexual responses to your (negative or positive) thoughts to understand what works for you. I won't go into the specifics of this exploration here. It is essential to know and understand your own body first. Then you can learn to guide your partner to what you need.
Step Five: Communication
Once you have an idea of what you might like (you don't have to be positive about it), then you can practice asking for it. We've all had situations where someone hurt our feelings telling us we weren't "doing it right.... This often makes us afraid to hurt our partner by asking for something different. Doing EFT tapping while practicing the things you'd like to say will make a big difference.
Knowing the best way to ask for something different will also help a lot. Let me give you a simple example. Your partner is touching your breasts too hard and it's uncomfortable. It also might make you angry because you've told him many times before to not touch you so hard. First, remind yourself that he wants to please you. Men do want to please their women. I'm sure of this. (If you don't believe this about your sexual partner, do you really want to be there?) At a later date, you can use EFT to tap away your irritation that you have to tell him more than once what you want.
Back to our example: Your partner is touching your breasts too hard and it's uncomfortable. Here's how to handle the communication: Start by saying something that you appreciate. For example, "I love being here in bed with you... or "I like you touching my breasts....
Ask for what you think you want in a way that makes the two of you partners in the exploration. For example, "I think I might like it better if you touched me a little lighter. I'm not sure how light, could you try it?...
Give immediate and clear feedback acknowledging the change he made. This is really important, even if you didn't get exactly what you wanted. For example, "Oooh, that feels much better.
Then, immediately give a little more direction so you have a back-and-forth happening between you. For example, "That feels really good, could you try it even lighter so I can see how that feels?...
Again, give immediate and clear feedback to acknowledge that he is responding to your request. For example: "That is lighter, and you know when you touch me lightly like this it seems you are really feeling me and it makes me feel closer to you... or "Oh, I like that even better. When you touch me lightly like that I have to really pay attention and reach for the pleasure.
Tell him what you are getting out of his touching you in a way that you like. Once you get used to this kind of conversation during sex, it becomes easier and easier for each of you to ask for the kind of adjustment and refinements that you want and it increases the sense of emotional intimacy between you.
When our sensual/sexual life isn't what we really want it to be, there can be many underlying sources. EFT is the perfect tool for clearing all the things that hold you back from having this for yourself. Whether it's shame, guilt, embarrassment, anxiety, disappointment, resentments, anger, body acceptance, communication fears, inhibitions, or self-acceptance (for instance, my needs and wants aren't OK), once you've identified what's in the way, using EFT on these feelings or the specific incidents that caused them will clear the way for more pleasure in your life. You deserve it.