Jane (not her real name) contacted me regarding her frustration because “for almost 2 years I have been in a loving relationship with a man that really turns me on, but I have not been able to enjoy an orgasm with him!” Jane reported that she had already tried using EFT tapping on her own, but to no avail. She reported being very discouraged because “I believe that if I haven’t been able to reach orgasm with him, who loves me and desires me like crazy, I will never be able to reach orgasm with anyone.”
I told Jane that a situation like this required some creative investigation on our part.
I asked her about her love life with former partners, if she was able to have an orgasm while pleasuring herself (she could) and in what manner. It became clear very quickly that Jane was easily orgasmic on her own. I assured her that if she could satisfy herself, we should be able to sort through why it didn’t “work” with her boyfriend.
We talked about her upbringing where there was no physical affection in the family; her religious beliefs, and her feelings about her ex-husband whom she felt never desired her and who she never really loved for who he was.
She admitted to feeling guilty when she masturbated, feeling guilty about having sex outside of marriage with her current boyfriend, Joe, and feeling guilty about using fantasy to get excited (this is very common).
I had Jane say this: “I really want to be a good girl.” And evaluate how true it felt to her. 10 being completely true and 0 being not true at all. Jane was a 7.
Even though I feel guilty…
Even though I really feel guilty for fantasizing…
Even though my religion wouldn’t approve of what I’m doing…
Reminder phrases as we tapped:
This guilt. All this guilt. This guilt does me no good. This guilt blocks my energy. This guilt. No wonder I can’t enjoy myself. All this guilt, etc.
We checked the Statement again and Jane had come down from a 7 to a 3.
We did another round of tapping with similar setup phrases as before adding this one:
Even though I still feel guilty, I really want to enjoy sex and want to let go of this guilt…
Reminder phrases as we tapped this time:
Remaining guilt. All this old guilt. This guilt does me no good. This guilt blocks my energy. This guilt holds me back from what I want. Remaining guilt . My body is here to give me pleasure. All this guilt. Guilt about fantasizing. Guilt when I masturbate. I choose to let go of this guilt. I prefer pleasure. Guilt. Pleasure. Guilt. Pleasure. I let go of guilt. I choose pleasure.
This time when we check the statement “I really want to be a good girl” Jane was at a 0. it did not feel true at all! NOTE: I purposely used the word “girl” and not woman to tap into the messages that Jane had gotten as a child that she, as a grown woman, no longer wanted to follow.
Having tackled her guilt, we moved on to specifics about their sexuality.
I asked Jane what she would like sexually with Joe that was not yet happening. After assuring me that she loved making love with Joe and it really turned her on (she just couldn’t orgasm) she admitted that she’d like to be touched more lightly, and would like to be teased and tempted more.
I asked when she first had the thought that she wished Joe would touch her more gently/lightly? Jane said the first time they had sex it all happened too fast for her. Joe was so excited he was too rough with her breasts and her vagina. Jane’s intensity about this was a 6 as she spoke about it.
I told her we’d work our way through this incident and her intensity might even go up as we went into more detail of what happened and how she felt. She was fine with this.
We did these EFT setups:
Even though I felt disappointed, I love and accept myself and all my feelings.
Even though I thought it would be fantastic to finally make love with Joe, I felt disappointed and I totally love and accept myself and Joe.
Even though he was so excited he hurt me, I love and forgive myself and Joe.
Reminder phrases while we tapped:
This disappointment. I was so disappointed. I thought it would be fabulous to finally make love with Joe. Instead he hurt me. I felt afraid. I felt rushed. He was so excited. He’d been waiting a long time too. This disappointment. It’s only natural to feel disappointed. It was a long time ago. Letting go of this disappointment. I deeply and completely love and accept myself. I love and accept Joe. This disappointment. It was my first time with another man since my husband.
As expected, Jane’s intensity went UP from a 6 to an 8 as the memory of her feelings during the incident became clearer to her. I asked her what else had come up for her while we were tapping. Jane said she’d anticipated a slow seduction but it happened quickly, it had hurt, she felt afraid of his size, and she felt disappointed and angry at how it all turned out. (NOTICE the many aspects of this event that came up from one round of tapping.)
She’d thought that finally she would have the joy of satisfying delicious lovemaking with a man she deeply loved. She said: “Every woman deserves love and passion.” This was great information; it works so well when a client is willing to become vulnerable and tune into their feelings fully so we can clear them.
We worked through these new aspects of the incident being very specific about the parts that were disappointing to her and naming them in quite graphic and specific language. (NOTE: Often the words we are most afraid to say out loud are the ones that, when tapped on, will allow the emotions to clear.) After this Jane quickly went down from an 8 to a 1 and then to zero. I encouraged Jane to talk to Joe about what feels good to her, to show him how she likes to be touched by demonstrating on him, and to be kind and playful with this communication.
It was time to end our appointment; we set up homework for her, said our good-byes and hung up.
Over a month later I checked in with Jane. Here’s part of the email reply she sent: “In the last few weeks I have been able to reach orgasm while with him (always with the help of fantasy) almost all the time, and it seems to be getting easier.” (NOTE: the guilt about fantasizing has been cleared and stayed clear.)
Nearly a year later I received this update: “The relationship is going wonderfully, and we have experimented and come a long way since my session with you! Thank you again!”