By Juanita Ecker
Does a colleague push your buttons but you don’t know why? Is there a coworker or boss that really annoys you, but you don’t have a clue where it is coming from? Have you ever had an instant dislike to someone who reminded you of someone from the past?
We’ve all had it happen. We interact with someone and have a strong negative feeling toward that individual. Maybe this person irritates you; maybe this person is difficult to get along with; or maybe you just don’t like this person at all. You think about something they have said or done and can’t stop thinking about it. You might have specific reasons for your dislike and you list them all in your head. For example, you might be telling yourself: he or she is selfish, is not a team player, takes credit for your ideas, always talks about him or herself, goes behind your back, is a bully, is sneaky, has a tendency to one-up you, or is a know-it-all. The list could go on and on.
Think of someone you dislike. How do you feel when you think about this person? What emotions come up for you? For example, are you reacting to what someone is saying or doing? Or are you reacting to what you think they are thinking about you? What you think they are thinking about you may be not even be true. The false assumptions you make could be affecting your relationship with him or her.
This is what happened for my client Grace. (Her name has been changed and she gave me permission to share her story.) Grace came to me because she couldn’t understand why she was not able to stick consistently with an exercise program. She would go to the gym for two days then not go for two weeks. She said she just couldn’t motivate herself to want to do it. She thought working with a fitness trainer would help, but she fired the last three trainers she hired and doesn’t know why.
I asked Grace if this current situation reminded her of something or if there was a time in the past when she hated to exercise. When Grace was 18 years old, she enlisted for officer training in the Vietnam War. At boot camp she despised taking orders from the sergeant to exercise. She hated being told to get in the mud; she hated having to get sweaty, smelly, and dirty. Yet she had to do it, for it was part of her military training.
We started to tap on this memory. We hit some raw emotions and the tears began to flow. These painful memories had been repressed for over 45 years. The emotions a young female solider was never given permission to feel now came to the surface.
We tapped on all the nasty verbal comments or obscenities the sergeant had shouted at the young cadets. Some of the verbal attacks included: Hurry up you worthless piece of shit, if you don’t do this I will go to your house and hurt your mother, your mother can do this better than you or go faster, there is a bullet coming at your head.
EFT tapping was a powerful tool to use in this situation. The tapping did not change the sergeant’s behavior, of course, but changed Grace’s response to his behavior. At the end of the session we were able to reduce the emotional intensity Grace was feeling. She said she felt much lighter. She made the comment, “I can see now why I fired three trainers. I don’t want someone telling me how to do squats or how long to train. No one is going to make me get stinky, sweaty, and dirty. This helps me understand why I don’t want to exercise now.” This was an amazing cognitive shift for Grace.
A few weeks later, Grace told me that she found a new way to exercise that is enjoyable for her. She does it regularly and is even considering hiring another fitness trainer.
This story illustrates how the people we tend to dislike remind us of someone from our past. There is an unresolved issue from the past that is being triggered by the person’s words, actions, or behaviors. Obviously, Grace’s trainers did not call her names, scream out obscenities, or demean her in any way. Yet Grace’s brain reacted as if they had.
The next time you deal with a difficult person, ask yourself: Who does he or she remind me of? You might be surprised by the answer you get.
Juanita Ecker is an international EFT tapping coach. She specializes in test anxiety, pet loss grief, dealing with an aging parent, and coping with a spouse or family member who has an addiction.
