By Amit Singh
I was visiting a friend’s home in another town. Thirty-year-old “Jay” and I were talking in his living room when his father joined us.
I found that he (the father) was coughing a dry cough that seemed pretty intense. Each bout would send him sort of reeling, with him grabbing his head in pain.
When he stepped out of the room for a minute, I asked Jay if I could help. Jay knew I practiced EFT but said his father might not be open to it because he “loves to take medicines.”
When Jay’s father returned, I opened a conversation with him by telling him what I do professionally. And then asked if I could help him with his cough.
“Please,” he said. He mentioned that the cough was really intense, dry and deep, and it shook him so much each time there was a coughing bout that he got dizzy and felt as if he would faint. It hurt him to speak and he was coughing loudly and intensely.
The cough had been there for about a week and no medicines that he took were helping. He said at this time he’d do anything to get some relief.
I asked him how he felt, and he said he was fatigued and upset with the cough.
We began to tap:
Even though I have this intense cough, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though it hurts too much to even speak, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though my head hurts so much when I cough that I fear I will faint, I deeply and completely accept myself.
After two rounds, he was no longer coughing incessantly, while earlier each time he would speak, he would cough.
I asked him if there was an emotional trigger to it. At once he said, “Of course there is. I am so worried about Jay’s marriage. He hasn’t found the right girl, and he doesn’t like whoever we suggest. We want someone who will live with us amicably and lovingly and fit our family culture and values. I have not been able to sleep for a month. I have had to take sleeping pills to sleep each night.”
I asked him further what was his feeling about all this. He said, “I am upset, I am worried, I am angry with Jay. He doesn’t seem to be taking responsibility.”
It helped that Jay and I are good friends and Jay was not going to take offense at all this tumbling out in front of me, as I was meeting his family for the first time. I had asked Jay to sit nearby and tap on his dad so that the tapping was appropriate and that his dad was comfortable.
I immediately began to say the Setup Statements and, while holding his hand, began to tap. Jay, sitting nearby on a stool, was tapping on himself and his dad by turns.
We tapped:
Even though I feel so worried about Jay’s marriage, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I am so upset with him, I am so angry with him, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel he just doesn’t show enough maturity and responsibility, I deeply and completely accept myself.
I began to use his words to make Setup statements, at times rambling, and found Jay’s father often nodding his head vigorously. There were times when he was growing very emotional about it all. Without lingering too long on the Karate Chop point, I moved to other points.
The Reframes:
I am so keen to have him married.
I want to see him well settled.
I want to play with grandchildren.
I am so worried that it’s now getting late for him to find a girl, I fear that we may not find a girl because Jay may not agree to our choice, I fear that Jay may marry a girl we do not get along with.
I am upset with him that he does not try to understand me, I am so angry with him that he does not try to engage with me.
We went on for about 25—30 minutes. Jay’s father was now not coughing at all. More important, he had shared and said a lot of things to his son that were just stuffed inside of him. In the process, his negative feelings had drained out. His expression by this point had softened and he was smiling.
What was an illness healing session turned out to be an unexpected relationship coaching session as well. The toxic emotions both held toward each other were drained. I suggested nothing to either from a coaching perspective, and no one was making any value judgments on the other. We were dealing with very human issues, needs, and emotions without making the devil out of each other.
By the end of the session, there was a palpable light-heartedness. The father went on to engage me in some conversation, which was most unusual to Jay, as this has never happened in the past.
Later, when we were alone, Jay hugged me. He was beside himself with delight because he said lately he had begun to feel a lot of distance from his father and just could not figure out how to open the door he felt had been totally shut. Today he experienced an opening and a breath of fresh air in this relationship.
A week later when I spoke with him, he shared how his father now no longer pushed him urgently about his marriage story. The cough had not returned.
—–
Follow-up: Jay called me a few weeks later to announce his engagement! He said, things opened up after that session. And some inner clearing had lead to finding the right alliance for his marriage. The scene at home was very different now. While earlier his father seemed autocratic and distant, communicating with Jay via his mother, now they were speaking with each other with ease.
And two months ago, Jay got married.
Last week, Jay mentioned to me how there is much laughter and banter and joyfulness in the house where once there seemed estrangement and a tense environment.
