Dear EFT Community,
Certified EFT practitioner and sexuality expert, Nancy Morris, considers the problem of premature ejaculation one of the easiest “relationship problems” to treat with EFT. Here she shares a client’s story, illustrating Nancy’s methods.
-EFTUniverse
By Nancy A. Morris, Certified EFT Practitioner
Due to the nature of this case, there is very specific and intimate information. I sincerely thank “Dan” (not his real name) for his permission to share his story.
Dan contacted me through my website, looking for help with a long-standing problem of premature ejaculation (PE) and the effect it was having on his current sex life.
Dan wrote: “I’ve tried tapping to cure the PE but must not be on the correct issue.”
During our phone consultation, Dan said that when “PE hits” he feels disappointment and frustration, which results in lack of self-esteem, then reluctance to be sexual, which creates tension with his wife, Angie. Dan admitted that he withholds love when things don’t go his way.
I assured Dan that my experience has shown that PE is the easiest of sexual issues to resolve.
We would sleuth our way through this together to get at the root cause. I also checked with him at this time what words he was most comfortable using to describe orgasm and penis to assure that we were on the mark with his own inner dialogue.
In our first appointment (telephone), Dan again brought up the word “boredom,” which showed up for him after several months (when the initial lust subsided). I asked if he stayed focused on Angie when they made love and he assured me that yes, he felt very connected to her and enjoyed her.
I was puzzled by his repeated use of the word “boredom” to describe how he felt.
I asked Dan when he first experienced PE. He was 14-years-old, very excited by his first girlfriend, Maureen, but he “came too quickly” in his words. I assured Dan that every young man experiences this when their hormones are raging and they are inexperienced and it is a common response (normalizing the experience).
Since he was very matter of fact about the incident I asked him to describe in detail the scene and exactly what happened to bring up as much intensity as possible.
Dan said he and Maureen were by the front fence at her house, behind the hedge, standing up, and the whole thing lasted 30 seconds. His current SUD Level of intensity on this past event was a 4 or 5 on a scale of 0 to 10.
As we tapped, Dan said he’d felt “not manly enough.”
We added this to the tapping phrases and got his level of intensity down to a 2 to 3 and then to 0. An important note here is that Dan and Maureen did get married later and were together for 15 years and they did not have a satisfactory sex life. This had a long-term influence on him.
We tapped on the overall feelings of frustration and “not being man enough” during his marriage to Maureen.
I asked Dan if he masturbated and he said yes. I asked him how he approached this, that is, does he try to extend the pleasure of the experience or does he try to orgasm quickly?
He replied that he orgasms “as soon as possible.” This is important information. Many of us have learned to masturbate this way; as children and adolescents we were afraid of being caught in the act.
Generally, there is still some guilt associated with masturbation even if we can talk about it and admit to it, and as adults we often “use” masturbation as a relief valve simply getting to climax ASAP. I explained to Dan that it is easy to develop a “habit” of getting to orgasm as quickly as possible.
The idea of having this unwanted “habit” takes a lot of charge off it (reframe) and makes it seem manageable. Even if it’s been going on for 20, 40, or 60 years! PE is not just a young man’s problem. Dan is in his 60s.
I asked Dan if there were any other memorable incidents from his early years. Yes, there was an older woman, Mary, who he’d been with for 9 months before they finally had intercourse. When I asked Dan for his level of intensity on this, he said he’d already done a lot of tapping on this, yet it was still a 5 or 6 out of 10.
Dan had been 18-years-old and Mary had been 28. He ejaculated very quickly the first time they finally had intercourse. He felt so embarrassed that he never saw Mary after that incident.
The EFT Tapping Setup:
Even though when Mary and I finally had sex, I came too quickly, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though when we finally had sex after 9 months, I ejaculated right away, I love and forgive myself.
Even though I ejaculated right away and I was so embarrassed I never saw her again, I love and forgive myself, I did the best I could.
Follow-up rounds:
We’d been together for 9 months.
She was 10 years older than I was. I was only 18. I was so turned on.
When we finally had intercourse, I ejaculated immediately.
I was so embarrassed. I felt so ashamed. I didn’t feel like a man.
I felt like a failure.
I withdrew.
I was so embarrassed that I never saw her again.
I abandoned her.
I was so self-conscious I abandoned her after 9 months of being together. I just never saw her after that.
I felt so ashamed. I’m so sorry I had to do that, I love and forgive myself.
It was the best I could do as a young man.
I’m so sorry I had to do that.
I love and forgive myself.
We established EFT homework for Dan together using phrases that felt right for him and his situation:
EFT for the issue:
Even though I orgasm too quickly, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Then we used a Choices Statement:
Even though I have this habit of ejaculating too quickly, I choose to release this pattern from my mind.
Then a request of his body (asking for help and using past tense on the problem):
Even though I’ve HAD this PE problem, I ask my body to spread my sexual energy evenly throughout my body.
Note: We had discussed this ahead of time: Dan was to imagine taking all the sensation and energy that he feels in the head of his penis and moving it down the shaft, into his groin, spreading it down his legs, into the earth, up his belly and chest, into his heart, feeling love for Angie, down his arms, and into his hands so that he could move his sexual energy into Angie.
We ended our first session with Dan feeling hopeful, and set another appointment for just a few days later, as his wife was currently out of town and he wanted to get as much done as possible before her return to surprise her.
As our second phone appointment began, we moved on to discussion about Angie and his feelings toward her (because he’d mentioned “boredom” several times).
They’d been together about 3 years. I asked if he felt any resentments toward her. Dan replied that he did not and that Angie tells him there is “no problem.” But he “still doubts the accuracy of her reporting.” He said it’s just the “same old, same old” making love now.
Their love-making used to be intense, erotic, and exciting. He again admitted that when things don’t go his way, he holds back love, which results in tension. These are almost the exact words he used during our initial phone consultation, and though he said he felt no resentments, I felt something.
So I asked: “IF you felt any little resentments at all toward Angie, no matter how small, what might they be?”
Dan reported that she was very strong-willed and strong-minded and he can’t tell her anything. This had a SUD Level intensity of 8 out of 10.
Anything else? Yes, Angie has a heart problem and yet she still eats many things Dan knows she shouldn’t. When he tells her she should change her diet she gets upset and tells Dan, “You’re not my mother.” This was a SUD Level of a 10+ for Dan.
More? Yes, Dan does most of the driving and when they’re in the car Angie gets uptight about his driving and comments on it. This was a SUD Level 10+ at the moments when it happens, although he said he usually is able to shrug it off.
More? Yes, Angie is very straightforward and sometimes criticizes Dan and Dan doesn’t handle criticism well.
We tapped on all of these resentments together just to get the edge off.
Then I asked Dan what qualities he liked about Angie and he was very clear: he liked that she has a strength to her, she’s honest and straightforward, down to earth, has a great body, a wonderful mind, and she’s a fiery redhead.
Now we were able to balance Dan’s resentments with the fact that he loves and appreciates the exact things about Angie that often cause irritations in him. This was an “aha” moment and on the next round of tapping we went back and forth between the resentments and Angie’s qualities.
Dan’s SUD Level of intensity went down to 0 on all of them.
Since Angie was not home and we wanted to test the effectiveness of our work so far, I asked Dan to say: “I’m worried that I’ll orgasm too soon” and to tell me how true it felt to him. He said it did not feel true anymore.
PE is often described as feeling “too turned on” or “too excited,” but generally the underlying causes and the anxiety about “coming too soon” must be addressed for control of orgasm to be possible.
Dan and I reestablished EFT tapping homework phrases and I instructed him in some non-EFT exercises he could do to build his ejaculatory confidence.
Angie was returning home in 2 days and we would see if progress had been made. Note: It would have been helpful to have had time to do one more EFT session imagining their future lovemaking session and any doubts, fears, or worries that might arise and tap them down, in the context of that future setting, before they happened.
This has been very effective with other clients. But Dan felt confident and eager for Angie’s return.
After about a week, I e-mailed Dan to see how he was doing. This was his progress report:
Hi Nancy, thank you for inquiring. We made love this morning and I did not orgasm for what seemed an eternity to me, but was in fact about 45 seconds. Angie had orgasmed twice prior to intercourse, but I did not become highly aroused as I normally did before, so I’m claiming some success in both areas. It is a great improvement. Thank you.
I asked him to comment on how he felt about the relationship. Here’s Dan’s reply:
Hi Nancy, there has definitely been a shift for the better in my attitude to sex and my relationship with Angie. I now approach sex with much less trepidation, much freer. (I didn’t realize there was a hang-up in this area previously.) That of course transfers to our relationship in general. Thank you again for your interest and wise advice. Will stay in touch to give you progress reports. And yes, I’m still tapping.
It is so satisfying (pun intended) to be able to help people enjoy better sex and better relationships.
