By Nancy A. Morris
Sam is 58 years old and came to me to improve his libido. During our first session, I learned that he’d had a high PSA blood test result and a biopsy that, surprising to him, showed cancer in his prostate. Since the original biopsy, he’s had three more biopsies. Prostate biopsies are not a pleasant experience and there is often blood in the semen for some time thereafter.
This all seemed a reasonable explanation for his lack of libido. Fortunately, Sam was very open about his situation and gave me more information as we tapped on “Even though I have a low libido…” (I often sit with a client and tap on the general issue as a way of working into specifics.) Sam explained that he always had an orgasm, but that it was “more about the lack of intensity in my coming.”
I asked, “If before the cancer and biopsies, your orgasmic intensity was a 10, what is it now (on a scale of 0—10)?” Sam replied that it was now a 2 out of 10. There was less amount of pressure/buildup, less sense of release, a lot less semen, and, consequently, much less pleasure. Sam felt his “stamina, focus during sex, and his ability to ride out my desire for orgasm and last longer” had substantially diminished. We tapped on:
Even though these biopsies have ruined my pleasure…
Even though this cancer diagnosis changed my life…
Here, Sam became emotional, so we continued on the cancer diagnosis, the shock of getting the news, the fear of dying, and the sense of vulnerability that he’d never even thought of before this diagnosis. Several rounds of tapping on these issues reduced them each to a 0 out of 10. We even managed to go toward the positive changes in his life that he’s made since he realized he’s not going to live forever (he bought a much-wanted sailboat and loves it!).
As our time was drawing to an end, I worked with Sam on setting up homework tapping phrases. I explained how important it is that he use his own language and encouraged him to be brave in speaking up.
First we addressed the problem. Through back-and-forth conversation we arrived at the following Setup phrase: “Even though these biopsies have changed my ability to really enjoy coming…” Reminder phrases: these damn biopsies, can’t enjoy coming, it sucks, this stupid cancer, these biopsies, etc.
Then we worked together to create a choice statement and came up with the following graphic statement (this is what really spoke to Sam’s internal language): “I choose to feel fully alive and uninhibited while fucking.”
Finally, we made up a request for Sam’s body. This too is graphic but proved to be very effective. Originally, we came up with “I ask my hormones to flow freely and build up delicious pleasure in my cock,” but when he said it out loud it sounded too girly for him. We changed it to “I ask my prostate and cock to join forces in explosive coming.” Given the problem as Sam had stated it, this seemed just right.
After a few weeks, we had our second and final session. I checked in with Sam on his intensity about the biopsies and cancer diagnosis. He was still at a 0 out of 10. I asked about improvement in his sexual pleasure and he said it had changed a little but that he “gets turned on and I am interested in sex, but it’s difficult to know the right way to get started with my wife… so it’s easier not to get involved.”
As we began tapping to probe this area further, Sam said his wife was a mystery to him. She knew he was doing this EFT work, but she never asked him about it or how it was going. He felt like he was doing it for “both of us” to improve their sex life and she didn’t appear interested. Sam felt lonely about this at an intensity level of 8 out of 10. We tapped on:
Even though Carol shows no interest in what I’m doing…
Even though I feel sad and lonely that I’m doing this for us and Carol isn’t even interested…
Very quickly Sam started to talk about similarities between Carol and his first wife of many years who “set him up” by expressing verbal support for his personal growth activities, but then she’d undermine him with lies to their children about where he was and what he was doing. We tapped on all these old issues that still had emotional hooks for him and, as the intensity lowered, I called to mind the differences between his first wife and his wonderful and supportive wife now, Carol. He was nodding and agreeing as we tapped.
As the intensity went lower, I brought back the point about Carol not asking about his EFT progress (all while tapping), suggesting that maybe she was waiting for him to speak up. He hopped right in saying, “Yeah, she’s probably just giving me space and privacy.” I could see the relief on his face and the smile as he said, “I don’t have to be a victim, I can share, I don’t have to wait for her to ask.” We tapped on all these positive things.
We rechecked the homework phrases and they still seemed perfect to Sam. One month later, I talked to Sam. He said he had gone home and brought up the subject of his EFT work and Carol was very interested and they had great conversations. Sam said he realized that though he’d thought he was tapping “for us” when Carol appeared totally disinterested, that once he talked to her and saw her deep interest, that he realized he was mostly doing the EFT for him (honest insight).
Best of all, Sam said that her interest made his resentment drop away; he was emotionally holding everything back before and now it flows freely and so does his ejaculation and the pleasure feelings. Sam said his pleasure and intensity in coming, which was a 2 when he came for our first session, was now at a 9.5 on a scale of 0—10.
Final note: I sent Sam (not his real name) a copy of the above for his review and approval before submitting it. I just received this email in reply from Sam: “Nancy, it’s perfect. Thank you! Last night coming was a 10+. Sex with Carol was sooooooo good. Thank you for your work. Keep it up. Sam.” (Cute how he used the substitute names in his reply.)
It’s a joy to be able to work with and help people who are so honest and vulnerable and wanting a positive change.