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EFT Tapping for Orgasm During Intercourse

Dear EFT Community,

Certified EFT practitioner Nancy Morris writes in with a very detailed article on how she helped a client release her blocks to achieving an orgasm with her partner. 

– EFT Universe


by Nancy Morris, Certified EFT Practitioner

When Cheryl called me initially she said she was able to have orgasms on her own but not with her partner and she wondered if EFT could help with this.  I asked her for some specifics about her situation:  

Q:  Did she have any sexual abuse in her past?  A.  No.  

Q.  How did she bring herself to orgasm?  A. Using her hand worked, though she preferred the “quick and easy” way a vibrator provided.   

Q.  What had she tried with her partner that did not work?  What did work?  A:  With her partner she was able to have an orgasm only via oral sex.  

Her goal:  She really wanted to be able to have an orgasm during intercourse.  

(NOTE:  I spell out all these details because they make a big difference in the approach that I would take.  Also much information about how Cheryl viewed herself, her partner, sexual pleasure, and their relationship was revealed during this simple Q&A period.)

#1  During our first appointment Cheryl talked a lot about how many times she’d tried with partners to orgasm during intercourse, always failing.  It was terribly disappointing and she said she felt “defective” and “broken”.   Since she was very in touch with her feelings about this already, I asked her where she felt this in her body and we tapped:  Even though I feel defective and broken, I do accept myself.  Even though I may really be defective, I love and accept myself.  Even though I feel like there’s something really wrong with me, I have compassion for myself.  After a few rounds of tapping Cheryl’s sense of being defective went from a 10 down to a 0.

Next I asked Cheryl to remember a time early in her sexual life when she and her partner had intercourse and it felt disappointing to her.  The first thing that came to mind was in her late teens when she and Joe were very much in love, they were making love, everything felt really good to Cheryl and she felt really turned on, got very close to orgasm and then did not come.  Joe finished then Cheryl cried on his shoulder.  They wondered what he/they could do differently.  Just talking about this event brought Cheryl’s intensity up to a 9.  Using the Movie Technique we worked through this specific event until Cheryl’s intensity was down to a 1 and she was able to see how THEIR INEXPERIENCE at the time had created a BELIEF IN HER that there was something in her that did not work.  A belief that she was one of “those women” who could not orgasm with intercourse.  From then on in her life, Cheryl approached every lovemaking session with every partner with trepidation and fear that she would end up disappointed.

We set up some homework EFT for Cheryl to do on her own: Even though I haven’t been able to orgasm with intercourse, I love and accept the woman I am.  Even though I don’t orgasm with intercourse yet, I completely love and accept myself. Even though I’ve believed I can’t orgasm with intercourse, who knows, I could be wrong.

#2  At our next appointment, Cheryl said that she was feeling much less burdened and dared to feel a little hopeful. I asked Cheryl if she’d be open to a little sexual coaching along with the EFT we were using to address the issues in the way.  She definitely was.  I suggested that while we were attempting to change things for her, it would be best if she and her partner did not attempt intercourse.   Sex in any other way, shape or form was just fine, but not intercourse.  There was too much of a pattern of disappointment (11 years) there and we needed to pave a new approach.  Cheryl actually liked this idea and agreed readily but was concerned about Bill.  So we tapped on this:  Even though I’m afraid of Bill’s reaction, I really want to do this for myself.  Even though I’m embarrassed to tell Bill, I know he loves me and wants the best for me.  Even though I’m afraid to talk to Bill about this, it’s really what I want and I love and accept myself enough to do it.  After several rounds of tapping Cheryl said she felt OK about talking to Bill and felt pretty sure that he would support her decision.

Since Cheryl had this issue with every partner she’d been with, we knew it wasn’t specific to her relationship with Bill, but before we went further I asked her some questions about whether Bill had ever betrayed her?  Had he hurt her in any way that caused her to hold resentments against him?  There were a few things Cheryl mentioned that seemed to need clearing up and using EFT they cleared quickly.  Now the way was open inside of Cheryl for a new pattern to be set in… one of successes!

We established some EFT homework phrases.  I told Cheryl to write down any negative thoughts, any “yes, but” thoughts that might come up as she did her tapping at home.  Even though I can’t come with intercourse yet, I feel like I’m on my way.  Even though I’m not orgasmic yet, I love feeling turned on.  Even though I’m not orgasmic yet, I love and appreciate myself and my body.

I also suggested Cheryl spend some time studying her body in a mirror and noticing how she felt about each part of her.  For example, “I like my face.  I wish my breasts were bigger but I like their shape.  I have nice long legs, but my feet look big, etc. etc.”  

#3  At our next appointment Cheryl said she’d done the mirror homework and was quite pleased with herself and feeling even more positive.  She’d run into some problems accepting the size of her bottom but did some EFT on her own and then noticed that it was firm and felt good to the touch.  Cheryl did say that she felt she looked funny “down there”.  I asked if she meant her genitals?  She said yes, she was afraid they might not look normal.  I asked who told her that?  She could not remember anyone telling her this, she was just afraid it was true.   On a scale of  0-10 Cheryl believed this at a 7 level.  So we tapped on it:  Even though I’m afraid I don’t look normal, I love and accept myself.  Even though I’m afraid my genitals look funny, I’d like to see them as beautiful.  Even though I’m afraid they aren’t normal, they do bring me a lot of pleasure and I love and accept my genitals just as they are.  We had some specific memories come up which had to be tapped through but, by the time we were done, Cheryl was free of this belief that she wasn’t normal looking.

Next I asked Cheryl what kinds of things turned her on?  She seemed puzzled by this question at first.  So I made suggestions…   

A great looking guy?  A:  Sometimes.  

The feeling of silky lingerie?  A:  Yes, and how she looks in it.  

A love scene in a movie?  A:  Sometimes, if it’s graphic enough.  

Fantasizing?  A:  Occasionally.  

Reading erotica?   A:  Yes, if it’s good and well-written.  

Taking a leisurely bath or shower?  A:  Yes, usually. 

I explained that it’s really important for a woman to know herself.  To know what turns her on AND to be comfortable with those things and the resultant turn-on.   Cheryl said she felt pretty comfortable with these things but that she felt guilty when she masturbated.  I assured her this is true for a lot of people.  For brevity’s sake I’ll skip all the details of this session where we uncovered the source of her guilt and cleared that specific incident and several others.  

It’s important when wanting to re-train ourselves sexually (instill a new pattern) that we are comfortable and EVEN EAGER to experiment with pleasure on our own.  We established some EFT homework for Cheryl.  She had already learned from past sessions how effective it was if she spent a little (10 minutes is enough) time each day doing the tapping homework and really paying attention to the thoughts that would come up.  Writing them down assured we would work on them the next appointment.  Homework:  Even though I’ve felt guilty in the past when I touch myself, I want to enjoy and feel pleasure.  Even though I’ve felt guilty pleasuring myself, I want to feel free and relaxed.  Even though it has felt wrong to touch myself, it’s my body and I know it’s here to please me.  NOTE that past tense is used here.

I also suggested to Cheryl that between now and our next appointment she set aside an hour at some time when she is alone and can relax.  She could take a bath or shower, light some candles, put on something silky and look at herself in candlelight.  Then she should spend  at least 15 minutes using a wonderful lotion or body oil caressing her body all over.  She should LOOK FOR PLEASURE in each touch.  Really feeling every pleasant  sensation and taking it in.  She should also pay attention to her hands…imagine feeling what her lover’s hands feel when he touches her.  The goal is to give yourself pleasure and ACCEPT that pleasure… let it all in. 

#4  At our next session Cheryl said that she’d done the tapping homework (on her guilty feelings) for five days in a row and by then was eager to do the rest of her homework.  She said she was amazed at what she could feel when she really slowed down and paid attention to her touch.  Every place she touched felt good, some felt great, and she really enjoyed imagining her hand was Bill’s and noticing how she would feel to him.  She was amazed at how soft her skin felt and better understood and appreciated his desire to touch her.  (NOTE:  This is one of the most wonderful realizations she could have because Cheryl had the idea that Bill was touching her to turn her on, to please her, and she had lost the truth of his enjoyment.  This sets the stage for equal partnership in lovemaking.)  Finally, Cheryl had enjoyed her homework so much that she finished by slowly pleasuring herself to orgasm manually.   Good for her, and it was so much fun to see her excitement at having learned something new about herself and having a good time doing it!

Next I talked to Cheryl about how she was feeling about having intercourse again with Bill?  She was very clear that she did not feel ready for that and that still she felt relief at not having to “do it” for the past many weeks.  But she said she was more than ready to proceed on her own with the next step, whatever that was.  

I will summarize that here… Over the next several weeks Cheryl continued to eagerly do the homework exercises I recommended each time taking notes of any negative thoughts that would come up.  Our appointments became shorter and Cheryl spent more time on her assignments which included: self-pleasuring while paying attention to every small movement of her finger and the sensations it produced;  role playing having an orgasm during intercourse (moving around, rocking her pelvis, moaning, tensing, etc.); experimenting with triggers that help start orgasm (pointing toes, arching body, more intense pelvic thrusting, etc. etc.).  During these weeks the main EFT sessions were on self-consciousness she felt doing these things and many rounds of tapping on the anxiety she’d feel anticipating intercourse with Bill.  Besides the EFT helping with the anxiety and laughing about all the build-up, I assured Cheryl she would soon feel confident enough to suggest intercourse to Bill.

During our next appointment, I asked if she or Bill ever watched porno.  She said yes, she had a few times and Bill did more often than that.  I explained that (I have nothing against good adult films) because of the camera shots they are trying to get, the couples having intercourse on film do a lot of in-and-out thrusting.  But, for most women, some friction or pressure on the clitoris is necessary to trigger orgasm.  

Unfortunately, men (and women) fall into a sexual style early in life and then often stick with their own method.  Men and women often think that what works in porno films should work at home and are disappointed when it doesn’t.  And, as in Cheryl’s case, a woman can get the idea that she will never be able to have an orgasm with intercourse, and gives up hope.

There is a wonderful intercourse position meant to stimulate the clitoris as well as the vulva and vagina (an elliptical rocking motion rather than straight in/out thrusting).  The problem is that this would not provide the explicit camera shots adult films go for, so people to watch adult films won’t learn it from there. 

I suggested to Cheryl that when she pleasures herself with her hand she try a lighter touch.  Try a firmer touch.  Try going slower.  Try using her hand as if it were Bill’s penis/pelvic bone rocking back and forth on her clitoris.  Always, always looking for any pleasurable feeling.  Also it was time to talk to Bill about changing their technique.  

At our next, and last, appointment Cheryl said that she had talked to Bill and he was highly motivated to trying something different.  She’d been nervous about talking to him but did EFT tapping beforehand and felt quite comfortable, though a little shy. They had been maintaining their sex life during this period enjoying all the other ways of sexually connecting and now Cheryl said she was feeling ready to “give it a try”.  Since this was new to both of them, they would be equal partners in the experiment.   We did EFT on every reservation that Cheryl had and then did some “Tell the Story” technique anticipating their upcoming experiment.  This is an excellent process to use when someone has a “big event” (positive or negative) coming up.  Just by imagining the step-by-step event and tapping on any negative emotions that come up, the way is cleared for the event to go smoothly.  Finally I suggested to Cheryl that the first time they try intercourse they do not try to reach orgasm that way, but simply try out the new position, being playful about it, move slowly, treat it like the experiment it is and then satisfy each other some other way.  She thought this was a terrific idea (this took the pressure off both of them).  

Cheryl called me the next week to report that they had experimented, they were relaxed and playful about it, laughing at themselves, and trying to get in a good position.  Trying to move in a different way than before and talking about how it felt to each of them.  She said they were moving slowly just to see how it felt, not trying to get to any goal, when it felt like “something took over my pelvis” and I was moving and the pleasure was building, and I had an “uh-oh I’m not going to come” thought but I just dismissed it and did what you said, I paid attention to the pleasure feelings, and I came!  I couldn’t believe it, it felt sooooo fantastic.  I just started crying immediately and had to tell Bill it was OK, it was wonderful, I was just so happy, so relieved.  “I still can’t stop smiling.”

I’m really happy for them both, and I reminded Cheryl that though she may not always orgasm, now she knows that she can and she should continue with her EFT tapping for positive reinforcement. A long story with a happy ending.